A Travellerspoint blog

Just how much is that doggy in the window??

sunny -16 °C
View amsterdam 40th! on dwalker66's travel map.

Funny the thought of going to Amsterdam with 10 women would really
enthuse most men that I know. Well not me, and when you look at the
crowd I went with I guess it would soon put them off! (the men not the
women of course). For the lass's that were on the trip and reading this
(if you have got this far) then I did say I would be a realist, I mean
harsh, I mean fair * arrghh go on then * harsh! OK so I am no oil
painting, but how many times must I have slagged off Harry Potter to
deserve you lot? Not sure which curse he had put on me.

After months of preparation it all seemed to come together and off I was
to the land of cheese and porn! (No I was not off for a fortnight in
Fiona's bedroom either). I did of course start my trip with an
abundance of champagne and lay flat seats, but did you really expect
this story to start off any differently? Gulf Air indulged me in the
way I am accustomed to now, I just sat down in my seat, they stuck a
funnel in my gob, plied me with the fizzy stuff and somehow I managed to
get off the other end (much to the crews delight I am sure). Jules (the
Birthday girl * well "girl" OK we'll humour her, girl) did remind me of
some very very drunken calls from Heathrow whilst waiting for my
"economy" (but don't tell anyone) flight to Amsterdam! In the lounge I
sat next to a man with Turrets, I so want that disease, who barked often
and called everyone a twat! OK I am half way there, just need to start
barking I guess.

An uneventful arrival into AMS, yet very hung-over grabbed some shut
eye in Airport hotel in order for the birthday celebrations to begin the
following morning nice and early!

So there I was, waiting for BMI Baby for at the time what I thought were
10 babes to arrive. I waiting in angst with champagne ready to pop and
tulips for the birthday "girl". One by one they came through, a
mixture of old carry on film extras and girls gone bad * bless them all.
Of course, way too many names to remember, even if I were not so
hung-over. There was one more to arrive on a flight 2 hours later. As
we were unable to check in to the hotel an executive decision was made
to wait in the airport providing a bar which served alcoholic beverages
and not a smoke free zone could be found. My blood hound days got the
better of me, nose to the ground off I went, leaving the "ladies" (now
that's funny) to have their smokes after their long 40 minute flight!
I found the perfect drinking hole, I mean waiting area, where we drank I
mean waited for Amanda, with several wines, beers (one chocolate
croissant * there is always one huh) and more champagne! Still getting
used to everyone's names, I was with mixed feelings, in ore of being
surrounded once again by a harem yet gob smacked at the sheer rate that
they could all talk over each other, not listen to anyone, yet not one
of them had difficulties to understand each other! Oh this was going to
be fun!!!!

Several "Happy Birthdays" and "Oh my gay mate would like you's later,
Amanda arrived and we were all set to head off into AMS. Roz, the
Nurse, led the way, we all followed as if she were a naked Robbie
Williams * kind of wanting to go there but not sure where it would lead!
Anyway, we ended up on the wrong platform * just like the girls would
have done had they have followed Robbie. Eventually, Roz admitting
defeat, we got onto the right platform and Ivor the Chuff Chuff chuffed
us into town! Another burst of happy birthday on the train and more
champagne swaging and we arrived at AMS central. Got to hotel - it was
too early * dam shame * bar then! The Opera Café became our new home
from home. Table of 11 (which became our regular table) and once again
the beers and wine flowed. I am sure by now you are starting to see a
pattern develop.

A quick snooze and shower and then back to the Opera to discuss the
plans of the evening. It was the red Light District that got most
people's attention (funny that huh?) and so off we clogged! Now getting
on and off the trams at the best of time is hard enough, but when there
are 11 of you, one being up the duff, one being very very large (me),
several being too dam stupid, one being clueless about public transport
unless it's a limo (with Egyptian cotton seat covers), and all 11
cramming into the doors at the same time, its inevitable that you aint
all going to get on at the same time. Cheryl, whom I am sure was
moonlighting for Kuoni, had said that should this happen, we all get off
at the stop we were heading for and wait! Wait to see if the others
that got locked out of the bus, knew where everyone was going. But
luckily we did and we met in the Dam. Which reminds me, "Dam my room
was small". Anyway, we found the grasshopper pub, the landmark for the
red light area! Off we all slutted through some amazing oldie worldie
public houses peering through windows we kinda knew it would be
difficult to find a bar to accommodate all of us. I have to say,
getting all their breasts into one establishment was going to be tricky,
I doubt the Victoria and Albert would have fitted them all. Of course I
am NOT talking about Julie (even though she is pregnant) now there is a
kid going onto to SMC the minute it comes out! I must admit, my clan
was rather gifted in the bazooka department. We managed to find a bar
wide enough for us all go in, where Jorge the barman smiled as wide as
his bar when we all walked in * he was a little peed off when I walked
in last of course! So the usual, beers and wines flowed and then it was
time to get down to the nitty gritty of AMS and to see those dogs in the
windows. I am assuming this is where the song comes from, as I am
convinced that a few of them may have had waggerly tails! I suspect the
bruised ones, as this may have happened when the punters found the said
tails, waggerly or not! It is a sight that most want to see (yeah even
the poofters) and we watched with open mouths, comparing one to the
next. There were some real lookers and some real dogs too (hence the
song) all shapes and sizes. (I am now talking about the women of the
night in the windows as apposed to my harem * although I do not blame
you if you were a little confused then!). We managed to find an empty
restaurant empty enough to accommodate us all, which is a worry when you
start to look for an empty restaurant for somewhere to eat. However,
great food, although some greens managed to make it to my plate, they
never made it down my throat. It had been a long day of continuous
drinking for all of us, so a night cap back at the hotel followed by an
early night! I slept with my feet off the end of the bed and onto the
window sill, whilst others slept like princess's in their Egyptian
Cotton Sheets!

Now I always wake up early in Europe. I regretted agreeing to an 11am
breakfast! However, it did give me time to nip into town to buy a hat.
I still don't get it, as I stood their in thermal Tee-shirt, shirt,
jumper, jacket, scarf, woolly hat and boots how everyone kept on saying
"Oh we are lucky with the weather". What's lucky about blue sky and sub
zero (well it felt like it) temperatures? I of course felt the need to
fart every 5 minutes just to warm myself up a bit. (much to the groups
delight of course). I got the tram back to meet everyone and again, the
realization that any female living in Amsterdam MUST have been a hooker
at some stage in her life! So anyone I saw I automatically assumed had
been on the game. Little old ladies, trading in their fish nets for 12
denier. Grabbing the pole on the tram to keep themselves from falling
instead of dancing around it in a skimpy bikini. Just one of my moments
on Amsterdam! I digress

We all assembled in the usual spot * which by now was almost the local
and we all ate our breakfast. A day at leisure according to Kuoni
Cheryl so with various folk wanting to go and explore we ended up in
different directions. Anne Frank, Windmills, Canal Cruises and all that
bollocks. The only thing that vaguely interested me from a tourist
point of view was the Heineken Museum (as the entrance price included 3
free drinks). So we stood up, checked the map to find out where it was
when someone suggested champagne**.. Bugger Amsterdam, you can see it
from the window so a bottle was ordered. Debbie myself and Julie (the
up the duff one) polished off the bottle really rather quickly and it
was then we decided that Amsterdam looks even better through rose
colored fizzy bubbles. So that was it, we were going to drink our way
round the place. We glanced out of the window and it "looked" like a
nice day so off onto the Tram we went, back to the Red Light District.
We kind of had to see it in the day light to see if it looked any less
seedy. Indeed it did. However we did decide that there were 8 less
slappers walking round at the time which made the place look more classy
than the night before. The women of the windows were older, flabbier,
saggier in the wrong places (we assumed) and no doubt cheaper than in
the evening. However, guys were still around and walking in for trade!
Sunday morning, a bit like Tesco, not as many shoppers but they are all
planning a big shop as it's the only chance they have!

Yet another street café was found that sold Bollinger, so there we were
again, sipping away, glancing down at the canals expecting to find half
the group go by bored and longing for fizz! Concerned at the prices in
comparison to our local Opera Café, we soon headed back to the favorite
and cracked open another bottle, and another. Oh and another! We were
soon joined by the rest of the party, fresh from their sightseeing * hey
we saw some sights, rather they did when they got back! We really were
rather hammered! So in order for them to join in, of course, they had
to order a few bottles too! We had drunk them dry of Rosé and had to go
onto the regular stuff but by now we really did not care. The more
sober of the group (mainly all except us 3 hardened drinkers) went to
get changed, the three of us looked at each other, sniffed out pits and
ordered another bottle. It was not as if we had walked anywhere to walk
up a sweat! (these two were my kind of chicks!) That drank, we then
headed round the corner to get ready! Of course, the three minute walk
made us really rather parched so we had to quickly clean our teeth and
ordered another bottle whilst we waited for the others to get ready!

A few minutes later they all came down, one by one and none of them
scrubbed up bad. We headed for the jetty where our Canal Boat dinner
cruise would leave from! Of course, I didn't care where we were
heading, as long as booze was served! A small quaint pub over the road
from the jetty beckoned as we were 5 minutes early. As we walked in
there was the smell of boy sweat, oxy10, Underpants by George and cheap
trainers! There they were, several "boys" from HMS Ark Royal. A few
renditions of Happy Birthday and lots of snogs for Jules, and we soon
had to leave, fortunately as one or two of the girls were getting really
rather moist! Besides, the smell of Brut and Blue Stratus was well over
powering!

Onto the boat, where yet more champagne had been ordered! Oh dear Oh
Dear Oh Dear. We then found out that it was free booze! For those that
have seen me in Dubai on an "All You Can Eat and Drink" you will know
what I am like * and it don't mean eating too much let me tell you! So
wine wine and then some more! My god it was a good evening. Although
the romantic couples on their dinner cruise would beg to differ! We
were a hit with the waiting staff who let us smoke in the kitchen on the
none smoking boat! "None Smoking I ask you"? Yet more renditions of
Happy Birthday for Jules, and a lot of breast groping on our table (not
just by me either * nudge nudge wink wink) later and we were soon back
to where we had started * apparently!

Back to our little bar. But not for all, for some the evening was just
a bit much, and my day drinking buddies had to leave! By this time we
were very familiar with the "Hugo" the Barman, who was not Hugo at all
but once a name sticks that's it I guess. It was tough being the best
looking bunch in there, well there was only us and the two very very
ugly looking lesbians in the bar! So we invited them over to join us
(why do I do this)? We were joined by two others, not lesbians but
friends also visiting Amsterdam at the same time of course, they had not
been drinking all afternoon and after getting kicked out of the bar we
were in, surprisingly NOT for bad behavior, purely for the fact that it
was past closing time, it was time to find a club.

Walking home we were drawn in by neo lights heading for the stars! We
walked in to a pumping euro-beat. Yeahhhhh the Amsterdam Club Scene!
We had made it! Hummmm maybe not, from a pump pump beat to the
Ukraine's last entry to Eurovision. Maybe this was NOT the place to be
seen in at all! But then again who cared? We were soon on the Bar
dancing to "Come on Ilene" Well you would wouldn't you * wouldn't you?
It was almost 4am when we got home, not bad to say my first drop of
alcohol had passed my lips some 17 hours prior and really we did not
stop!

Getting out of the lift, in fact entering the lift I had the sudden urge
to talk to Granny. Maybe she was not feeling good - I just had to
know she was doing alright. Apparently she had heard us getting out of
the lift me screaming that I needed to talk to her before I had even
tried to knock her door down! Roz came to the door looking like, in
fact let me rewrite that; The door was opened by a swamp monster!
Granny sitting bolt upright in bed, refusing to talk and throwing me a
"thank you for being concerned, but really no need" look. I never got
to talk to her, but realized she was alive if not kicking!

The following morning, and the last morning, just like the first, very
very hung-over! Decisions decisions decisions where to go, what to see.
I just wanted a good Poo and not to move! The park was the call of the
day for Roz, Granny and Kuoni Cheryl. Waffle, cherries and Ice cream
later and another bowl movement was needed, so our time at the Park soon
ended. Lunch and a Poo. Coffee and a Poo. Then to meet the others for
our last meeting at Opera * Oh and another Poo.

This marked the end of a great weekend. New friends were made and fond
memories (some of us more than others) for us to go back with. The
saddest thing is that its only Jules and I that are 40. So that's 9
more 40th's to get through. I wait with baited breath to see if I am
invited to any of them. Now that will be interesting**.

Posted by dwalker66 25.03.2007 18:45 Archived in Netherlands Comments (0)

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